Relationship Problems Source and Treatment
Arguments and disagreements occur within all close relationships and are a normal part of dealing with differences in ideas, beliefs, and perspectives.
However, chronic relationship conflict and stress is a serious issue. It has been linked to poorer mental and physical health and can affect other areas of life such as relationships with family and friends, and work colleagues.
Children also suffer when exposed to high levels of conflict at home, and are at greater risk for anxiety, depression, behavioural problems, and poorer health.
Learning effective and respectful ways to communicate differences is an important step in building a healthy, fulfilling relationship, and which can benefit our overall wellbeing and those around us.
What causes relationship problems?
There is no one, single cause for relationship problems, but a number of factors can play a part.
Past experiences
A person’s family and upbringing can play an important role in his or her future relationships.
People whose parents divorced are more likely to experience relationship breakdowns than those whose parents remained together and seeing high levels of conflict during childhood and adolescence or experiencing abuse in the early years has been linked to relationship problems later in life.
Life transitions and stress
Life transitions, such as moving from living together to being married, having a baby, children leaving home, and moving into retirement can put a strain on a relationship, and the couple can start feeling less ‘connected’ to one another.
Personal stress can also place strain on the relationship.
When people are stressed, they find it more difficult to be positive or to be forgiving with their partner, which can increase their sense of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Work problems or financial difficulties, difficulties with in-laws or extended family, or balancing the needs of ageing parents with the needs of caring for one’s own children can spill over into the relationship and increase stress between couples.
How people think
The way people think about themselves, their partner and their relationship is an important factor in relationship outcomes. Couples experiencing problems can start to blame each other and see each other as the cause of arguments and difficulties, viewing their partner’s behaviour as selfish and intentional.
Seeing the relationship or the other person through a negative ‘lens’ can lead to placing more weight on negative events than on the positives, when they occur. This pattern can lead to more conflict or withdrawal.
Behavioural factors
Particular patterns of behaviour can be important signs that a relationship is at risk. Interactions that include disrespect, defensiveness, criticism, or ‘stonewalling’ (putting up a barrier to communication) are signs that a relationship is in crisis.
A ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction has been suggested as a good indicator that a relationship is functioning well.
Treatment
Relationship problems are a common reason that people seek help from mental health professionals. Emotion-focused couple therapy (EFT) and behavioural couple therapy (BCT) are two of the most widely studied and supported forms of treatment for relationship problems.
Research has shown that these psychological interventions are helpful in improving relationship satisfaction and the quality of interactions for many couples.
Both these therapies focus on a range of strategies to improve communication and increase understanding of one another.
Changing the view of the relationship
Rather than blaming each other, it is helpful for both partners to accept that their attitudes and behaviours influence the relationship. Each partner might think about the causes and consequences of their behaviour, and develop a better understanding of how their actions affect their partner, positively and negatively.
Expressing emotion
Couples who are experiencing difficulties in their relationship often avoid expressing their emotions or vulnerabilities, or they may criticise or blame each other. Sharing private thoughts and emotions, and encouraging caring, understanding, and acceptance from a partner can be helpful in building closeness within a relationship.
Using affection and humour
The use of playfulness, affection and positive humour (rather than humour that includes criticism or put-downs), particularly during arguments, also promotes relationship satisfaction and closeness.
Improving communication
Learning effective communication and problem-solving skills can be an important part of improving interactions within a relationship. For example, if there are high levels of criticism or blame, each partner might learn new ways of openly but respectfully expressing his or her concerns.
Or, for couples who avoid communication, learning to safely share their worries and increase positive expression of emotions may be helpful.
Problem-solving within a relationship might include steps such as agreeing on a clear definition of the problem, brainstorming solutions and the likely outcomes for each partner, agreeing on a solution and trying it out, and making a plan to re-evaluate whether it solved the problem or needs further work.
Promoting strengths
Focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship and of your partner can increase levels of enjoyment and satisfaction, and encourages positive behaviour.
For example, couples might like to think about what attracted them to their partner in the first place or to think about things they can do that their partner would appreciate, and deliberately do those things more frequently.
Seeking Help
Arguments and disagreements occur within all close relationships and are a normal part of dealing with differences in ideas, beliefs, and perspectives.
However, chronic relationship conflict and stress is a serious issue. It has been linked to poorer mental and physical health and can affect other areas of life such as relationships with family and friends, and work colleagues.
Children also suffer when exposed to high levels of conflict at home, and are at greater risk for anxiety, depression, behavioural problems, and poorer health.
Learning effective and respectful ways to communicate differences is an important step in building a healthy, fulfilling relationship, and which can benefit our overall wellbeing and those around us.
All relationships face difficulties, and most are resolved over time. However, when problems become a pattern and seem unable to be solved, it is important to seek professional help from someone experienced in working with relationship issues.
Psychologists are highly trained and qualified professionals, skilled in providing effective interventions for a range of concerns, including relationship problems.
A psychologist can help you to identify and address factors that might be contributing to your relationship issues and the most effective ways to address these using techniques based on the best available research.
Other mental health concerns or substance use issues might also be evaluated and addressed, assisting both the person experiencing these difficulties, as well as the relationship.
Ideally, both partners would agree to seek assistance so that together, they can work out issues in their relationship. However, if your partner is reluctant or unwilling to seek help, then even seeking help on your own behalf can start the process of change within the relationship.
Contact our qualified expert to ask for free advice or start your treatment.